...On the Lighter Side...
...On the Lighter Side...
A
certain minister told of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.
When the boy had told him, the minister thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, Ill tell you how you can get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."***
An old pastor was talking to one of the younger church members one day, and said,
"When you get to be my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter."
"Why do you say that?", enquired the young parishioner.
"Well", the old pastor replies, "I often find myself going into a room and thinking: now what did I come in here after???" ***
A
minister, a doctor and a lawyer went to play golf. There was a group ahead of them that were dead slow. When they asked what all the delay was they were told by the golf pro that they were three of the firemen who fought a four alarm fire here last year and ended up saving the clubhouse, only to go blind in fighting the raging fire. In turn the clubhouse allows them to play for free anytime they want to.
Upon hearing this the minister said, "I will pray that they get their sight back!"
The doctor said, "I know an eye specialist who may be able to help them."
The lawyer said, "Do they have to play now? Why can't they play at night? ***
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples.
It read, "Take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies,
"Pssst - take all you want, 'cause God is watching the apples." ***
A
minister who was very fond of pure, hot
horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest as a pretzel dip after preaching a heated sermon on hellfire and brimestone to his congregation.
His guest took a handful of pretzels and a big spoonful of it and sat down.
Afterwards, when the guest was finally able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire before, but you are the first one I've ever met who passed out a sample of it." ***
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. They have to be French."
"Hmmmm! No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise??? Clearly, they are Russian!"***
A
Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"Funny you should come to me?" said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did God say?" pressed the father.
"He said, 'Funny you should come to me'?" ***
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." ***
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." ***
It was Palm Sunday and Sue's five-year-old son had to stay home from church, with a neighbor friend, because he was sick.
When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.
His mother explained, "The people held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy said, "The one Sunday I don't go, and Jesus shows up!" ***
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal
in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down
the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll
do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is
enough for me to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied: "Well why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic???" ***
Three preachers were out on a fishing trip, and in the boat began a heated discussion as to which of their churches had the earliest founder.
The Church of Christ pastor bragged that his church was founded by Jesus Christ.
The Baptist pastor replied that John the Baptist's ministry began six months before Jesus', and he saw John as his founder.
The Assembly of God pastor listened and then pointed out that, since the theory of evolution was not Biblical nor true, Adam did not evolve. So with the dust of the ground God made Adam, as the pastor put it, "to be the first assembly of God"." ***
* Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case"
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!" ***
* People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
* Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
* Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
* Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
* A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
* We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
* Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
* Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
* Forbidden fruits create many jams.
* God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
* God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
* The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
* Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers
* If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
* We don't change the message, the message changes us.
* The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. ***
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a
man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. As he scratched his head he asked: "16? How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." ***
A
pastor was speaking to a sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!""
Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all
the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into
Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well", he continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy in the back shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!" ***
"What if I sold my house and my car, had a big sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into
Heaven?"
One day a little girl was talking to her athiest teacher about Jonah and the whale.
The teacher told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated: "But the Bible says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale".
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "Oh? And what if Jonah went to hell instead?"
The little girl quickly replied, "Then you ask him". ***
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.
AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph . . .I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the porch, rang the bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere!
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol'crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"
Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was . . .
She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!" ***
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" ***
Once there were two evil brothers. They were both rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to the undiscerning to be perfect Christians.
Then one day the old pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke a powerful, no nonsense message, and the church membership grew in numbers. Soon a fund-raising campaign was started to build a new and larger assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a very large sum of money to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must tell the congregation that my brother was a saint."
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back, he let it fly.
The pastor thought for a moment, gave his word, took and deposited the money in the bank.
"He was an evil man," he said. "He was a liar and a crook; He was greedy and spiteful; He cheated on his wife and abused his family..."
After going on like this for several more minutes, he finally concluded, "but, (pointing to his brother) compared to his brother over there, this man was a saint!" ***
A man trying to sober up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
After everyone is seated again, the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell PLEASE STAND UP!"
The weary drunk rudely awakened and catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says aloud to the preacher, "I don't know what we're voting on here preacher, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing to vote on it!" ***
A young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While the couple were busy in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their four year old son what they were having to eat.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "Yesterday I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have that old goat for dinner tomorrow'." ***
One day a Jewish Rabbi went to visit America. While there he was invited to attend a Sunday sermon by a Christian Pastor.
About a year later the Christian Pastor went on a trip to Israel and while there he decided to go to the Rabbi's address in Jerusalem and look him up.
Afterwards the Rabbi followed him into his study and noticed a red phone sitting on the side of his desk!
"What's that?" asked the Rabbi?
"Why it's my long distance hot line to God", said the Pastor.
"Mind if I use it"?, said the Rabbi.
"No not at all", said the Pastor. "Go right ahead."
So the Rabbi picked up the phone and talked to God for ten minutes, and when he was done he hung up the receiver.
"That'll be $50", said the Pastor. "That's the long distance cost on that line for ten minutes.
The Rabbi flinched, paid him the $50 and returned to Israel.
After he knocked on the door, the Rabbi opened it and they greeted each other. Then the Pastor followed the Rabbi into his office.
And there, on the right side of the desk, the Pastor noticed a red phone.
He asked the Rabbi, "What's that?"
"Oh", the Rabbi replied, "that's just my direct hot line to God."
"Oh wow", replied the Pastor, "so you've got one too. Mind if I make a call?"
"Not at all", replied the Rabbi.
So the Pastor picked up the phone and talked to God for two hours.
Then when he hung up, he realized that he had rung up quite a long distance tab.
"Yow", said the Pastor, "I didn't realize I spoke so long. How much do I owe you?"
"Twenty five cents", said the Rabbi!
"Twenty five cents?", replied the Pastor increduosly. "Why so little?"
The Rabbi responded: "Because over here it's just a 'local' call!" ***
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch
the drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on
the roadside all beaten up and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw
up." ***
Q: What were Lot's last words to his wife?
Q: Why was everyone in Biblical times so poor?
Q: How long did Cain dislike his brother?
Q: What kind of lights did they use on the Ark?
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
Q: Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt?
Q: Did you know that Paul was the 1st surfer in the Bible?
A: Honey, check and see if someone's following us.
A: Because there was only one Job!
A: As long as he was Abel.
A: Flood lights.
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
A. They must have, because Joseph served in Pharoah's court.
A: In Acts he "came ashore on a board"! ***
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl
replied,. . . . "They will in a minute." ***
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?" ***
A certain man invited pastor Brown and his plump wife to dinner.
It was little Jimmy's job to set the table for everyone.
Later on; after everyone was seated and ready to eat, Jimmy's mom noticed that there was no knife and fork
at Mrs. Browns table, and mentioned it to Jimmy.
To which Jimmy loudly replied, "Gee mom, I just sort of figured she didn't need any as I heard dad tell you earlier
that she eats like a horse."***
Knowing God MAKES us humble; knowing ourselves KEEPS us humble.
Truth is a glorious but hard mistress. She never consults, bargains or compromises.
You’re not ready to live until you are ready to die.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying."
Wisdom has two parts:1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it.
Faith is not belief without proof but trust without reservation
Troubles are a lot like babies--they grow larger if you nurse them
Some people won´t suffer in silence because that would take the pleasure out of it."
A little faith will bring your soul to heaven; a great faith will bring heaven to your soul.
What can you say about a society that claims God is dead but Elvis is alive? ***
A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf,
and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the
collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to the Lord.
The priest explains, "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air.
Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the
circle, I give to God."
The minister says, "Yes, I use a similar method, except that whatever lands
inside the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for
my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims, "Brothers we are in agreement! I use the same
method, as well, minus the circle. So when I toss all the money in the air, I figure that
whatever God wants He can keep", and whatever's left and comes down is mine"... ***
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