On the Lighter Side II

A Spirit-filled woman visited a very staid and formal church.
"Amen", she said jubilantly, as the preacher brought out a point in the Bible with which she totally agreed.
"Madam", said an usher standing nearby, "please restrain yourself. We don't allow that in this church."
In a few moments she became so carried away by the sermon that she just had to shout, "Amen, praise the Lord, hallelujah."
The usher rushed to her side: "Madam, you must quiet down or leave."
"I didn't mean to disturb the service, but I am just so happy since I found the Lord that when I heard the word of God being preached I just couldn't contain my joy", she said.
"Well you may have found the Lord", the usher said, "but I assure you Madam that you haven't found Him here. We are a 'respectable' church!"***

After the church service a little boy with his daddy in tow, told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because ever since you came here my daddy keeps telling us how you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."***

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to Him.
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time."

Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him.
God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."

Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure, just a second." ***

* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER AND FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

* Our volleyball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

* Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to conflict.

* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ***

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. ***

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm.
He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time." ***

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'." ***

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar: he was on grass for seven years.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. 'Your mother ate us out of house and home'.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David: he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Q. Which bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn’t Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he really brought the house down. ***

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! ***

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!" ***

A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President." ***

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked: "What happened to the flea?" ***

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.
"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.
Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said,
"Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!" ***

10. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. --Deuteronomy 21
9. Find a prostitute and marry her. --Hosea (Hosea 1)
8. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." --Samson (Judges 14)
7. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. --Moses (Exodus 2)
6. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. --Boaz (Ruth 4)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. --Benjaminites (Judges 21)
4. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. --Adam (Genesis 2)
3. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. (man, now that's 'Love') --Jacob (Genesis 29)
2. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. --Solomon (1 Kings 11)
1. A wife?... NOT!!! --Paul (1 Corinthians 7) ***

O ne day at an outdoor cookout to benefit the world's religions and their causes, a Unitarian minister spotted a Hindu priest cooking hot dogs at the food concession. Making his way over to him, he asked, "Can you make me One...with everything?" ***

A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."

The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more." ***

Later on the same minister put this note under the windshield wiper of his car:
"I've circled the block trying to find a parking spot for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here, I could lose my chance at a promotion. "Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled this block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket I could lose my chance for a promotion too. "Lead us not into temptation." ***

Give God what's right--, not what's left!
Make your eternal reservations now--- 'smoking' or 'non-smoking'?
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
We're all invited to a heavenly feast but we must R.S.V.P.!
God won't be looking for your medals, degrees or diplomas--, He'll be looking for your scars.
Holiness is not the way to Jesus--. Jesus is the way to holiness.
God doesn't want shares of your life, He wants controlling interest! ***

To which his father replied, 'Great Bible studying, son! And I'm sure you realize, that they also walked every where they went!' ***

6000 years of Progress....

4000 B.C. - Sick? Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1970 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic has side effects. Here, eat this root. ***

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be a cake and shake social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.

23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

24) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours." ***

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town.
At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" ***

Mt.Vesuvious is the world's famous volcano. It has erupted many times.
Two American tourists were recently with a group looking over the rim of Vesuvius. One of them said, "My God! It sure is deep and hot! Reminds you of hell, doesn't it?"
A local guide, hearing the remark, whispered to another European next to him, "Man, these Americans! They've been everywhere." ***

During a service in the church, Jimmy told his father that he wanted to throw up.
His father replied to Jimmy, "Go to bathroom, it is outside of the chapel."
Then Jimmy went back faster than his father expected. His father asked, "Did you find the bathroom?"
Jimmy said, "No, daddy...but I threw up in the box right outside the chapel saying, 'For The Sick'." ***

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they passed by the locked gates of the Garden of Eden, One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's Paradise; the place where your mother ate us out of house and home." ***(lol)

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "I know! Because it's where people are sleeping." ***

There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor.
After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.
"My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?"
"Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!" ***

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!" ***

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."
The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter." ***

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable of the Bible. One day she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" ***

The rural Baptist minister preached loudly, "Get your sins washed away!"
One of the listeners dared to interrupt: "I already have, over at the Methodist Church."
"Oh brother," said the preacher, "you haven't been washed; you've just been dry cleaned." ***

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." ***

Pastor's Announcement Before The Offering:
"I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil. So give generously." ***

One day a church committee was hard pressed to decide who would be its new pastor. After a very close vote, a young pastor just out of seminary school won out over an older, more experienced one. Committee members in favor of the younger pastor won with the argument that a younger minister would breathe fresh life into the congregation.
"Sure," one of the older members said with a wry smile: "looks like we'll all be moving on to greener pastors." ***

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ***

~sigh~

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