1Thessalonians 1:5 - "For our gospel came not unto you in word only, but also in power, and in the Holy Ghost, and in much assurance..."
I guess it all mainly began when my little grandma died, in 1970. (Wow! has it been that long ago?)
I hated "death" and felt helpless over the devastating losses it left behind. Therefore I hated God who I felt was the author of death and could take away whosoever He wanted whenever it suited Him. (I remember afterwards feeling some remorse and guilt knowing that I shouldn't really have swore at and blamed God for her death.)
Then around 1972 or so, and still carrying two chips on my shoulders; mad at the world, poor, hurting and sick of life and what it held ("death"!), when one day a priest of my old catholic church called me in to tell me that I wasn't attending church or paying enough and (to make a long story short - I hadn't gone in a few years, and my mother paid twice a year for me) then went on to threaten me to pay lots more, OR ELSE!!! (whisper: 'excommunication').
Perhaps he thought that by using his "power" as a priest over me that he would get me down on my knees begging, but instead it really fired up my hatred and rage against such an uncaring and insensative world, and he was directly in my line of fire!
I wouldn't know until 1976 that what I had officially slammed the door on was a "dead" religious system based on merits, works, sacraments and self = Jesus + .
Up until that time I had not known of nor ever been told of the singular importance of having to have and to know personally / first hand, the "Living Lord and Him crucified", by receiving a "living revelation" of Him - of Him in Person and full of grace and glory (Matthew 16:17-18). In all my years of being raised 'Catholic' - NO ONE had ever told me about my having to have and to know Jesus Christ alone as my Lord and Saviour, Personally for myself. Throw out the rest!
So... that brings us to events in 1976...
I had hated my father with a passion - probably to the point of murder! I just couldn't stand him. He was so set in his ways and we always argued. I did not fit into his mold! Everything I said was white (and mostly it was) but everything he said was black (just the opposite).
Inwardly I was starved for his love and hungered for his approval, but I always believed that I felt that I had failed to measure up to the high imaginary standards and goals of perfection he had set and expected of me! And yet, I fully admit now, that I sure wasn't doing anything worthy of honoring thy father either.
I realized later that it wasn't so much him as it was me who caused the communication gap between us. I realized later that his expectations of me were no more than a normal father would expect of his son. But at the time I was still an unregenerated and hurting rebel at heart... and I hated him and what he represented over me - power and authority!
Then one day while I was sitting in another room, he began telling a story of his account of the great depression to a friend of his in the kitchen. Yawn! I heard it all before! I was so sick of him that I didn't even want to hear his voice...nevertheless, pretending to read the newspaper in the other room, I was listening (probably to find something I could use against him later on), when he began to tell his friend how poor he and his family of 10 kids were. "We were so poor", he said, "that I had to wear the hand-me-down socks of my older brothers, and these had holes in both ends." He called them his "holey baseball socks", with half a laugh.
As he continued, he told his friend that while in school one day, the teacher told all the kids to take off their shoes and socks because a nurse came in to inspect their feet to see if they were healthy. My father; who was in the 6th or 7th grade at the time, protested. At first he refused to take off his shoes, but then the teacher forced him take them off, against his will. That was when the other kids (who had better clothes than he did) saw his "holey socks", pointed, laughed and made fun of him.
My father grabbed his shoes and socks and ran out of school that day totally embarrased, and soon afterwards he never went back. (After listening to his story, I decided that, hey, if it were me at the time and in that situation, I would have stayed and fought them all, including my teacher and the nurse!)
As he was telling the story, I looked up from the newspaper I was pretending to read and saw how he was getting all teary eyed and choked up, and I came to see him as he was then. It was long ago that this incident happened to him, yet I saw that what had happened to him still affected him deeply.
"Hey, it wasn't your fault", I said silently to myself.
HE'LL NEVER CHANGE. HE'S HEARTLESS - CRUEL - TOTALLY WITHOUT LOVE AND AFFECTION. HE NEVER LISTENS TO ANYONE - ALWAYS CLAIMING HE'S RIGHT - I'M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM - NO ONE IS ABLE TO LIVE UP TO HIS EXPECTATIONS!
NO! I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT THIS MAN HAS OR HAD SOME HUMAN FEELING IN HIM. "IMPOSSIBLE!" HE NEVER HAD ANY BEFORE, SO WHY SHOULD HE HAVE ANY NOW?? WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?? NO! I'VE GOT HIM PEGGED ALLRIGHT! HE DESERVES ALL OF MY HATRED AND CONTEMPT!"
"And yet", said the wee small voice of my conscience "you see how that single incident had deeply scarred him for the rest of his life!? You see how this man, who, as a small boy, was completely innocent, and yet became so embarrased by this incident that on the very day that this happened was the same day that he built and put up a huge wall between himself and the outside world, in order to never be hurt like this again.
I saw how he built up that wall of "pretended toughness", never again allowing himself to be in situations that would embarrass him in any way. With such a wall as that, no one could get through to him, and it's amazing he ever married or had me. He rarely showed love or affection, at least not in the normal way I would have liked to have known it and had him hug me once in a while, because I believe he was stunted and was afraid to open up and give genuine affection and hugs and kisses once in a while... perhaps because then everyone would see him as the 'softie' he really was behind that facade."
(THAT is what every kid is starved for: "LOVE"! 'DISCIPLINE' YES, BUT GIVEN WITH LOVE, GENUINE AFFECTION AND COMPASSION BEHIND IT!)
The more I thought about it the more I began to admit that maybe, just maybe "I" was the one who was wrong -- maybe, just maybe "I" had him wrong all along -- and maybe, just maybe it wasn't him at all but "me" who was to blame for our falling out!
("WOW!" This kind of admission was new and frightening to me, yet I could not shake it off. And the reason that I couldn't was because the commandment of my not honoring thy father and thy mother suddenly became very clear to me and had nailed me right to that wall.)
This was a wee small voice in my head, who pointed out to me all these things. It was either myself silently replying or it could even be the devil. And at first I really thought it was the devil getting inside me to my brain. I had no idea it might be my conscience or the Holy Spirit speaking to me. But the voice kept speaking to me, and to my surprise: I kept on listening, until it finally broke through, and I knew right then and there that I needed to humble myself and admit that I was wrong about my Dad, and my putting him on the wall like I had done, and deeming him to be worthy only of death.
In looking back, I remember being very angry over her sudden death (mostly because I didn't visit her more often and felt guilty), and after storming into her bedroom and shaking my fist at the crucifix she had on the wall, and then telling God, that she, of all people had better be in heaven, and if she - of all people - was not... (I then went on to use some plain foul language to tell Him what He could do with His heaven in no uncertain terms).
Well I got done telling him; in very clear terms using four letter expletive deletes, what he could go and do with himself, his church and his God, and slammed the door behind me as hard as I could, I walked out, excommunicating myself.
Then it hit me! I actually felt my heart going out to this man:
"WAIT A MINUTE"!! my thoughts were now shouting. "WHOA BOY! OH NO YOU DON'T. I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM OR HOW HE FELT. HE DESERVES ALL THAT HE'S GOT COMING! IT NEVER CHANGED HIM. HE'S THE SAME SELF-CENTERED, EGOTISTICAL KNOW-IT-ALL THAT I'VE GOT NAILED TO THE CROSS, WHERE HE DESERVES. HE REMAINS UNCARING AND UNLOVING, AND THERE HE'LL REMAIN UNTIL HE DIES.
Finally I came or was brought to a place (a place of seeing, of recognizing the whole scope of this sin) where I could finally admit that I was wrong. Not only was I just slightly wrong, but I was "Always Wrong" concerning my dad. Gasp!! I still didn't know for myself that Jesus was God in the flesh as yet, but this admission of my guilt was new to me and had my head spinning, as I came (by myself, or so I thought) to this 'obvious' conclusion of being Guilty! "I was wrong?!!" Boy, was I ever in a state of shock!
This was the first time in a long, long time I can remember that I had deep feelings towards my dad. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, put my arms around him, hold him close and just kiss, hug and comfort him. Although I never did (at that time), but his repeated story of the "Holey Socks" had forever, in one sudden swoop, completely changed my attitude and understanding about him. I stood stunned by these sudden turn of events!
It was during this time, still feeling quite sensative (in my spirit, or in my conscience, I guess), when I was led one evening to pick up the Bible and read it. I had read it cover to cover several times before, but never got anything out of it. I don't know where I began but I ended up in the Gospel of Matthew, and when I reached where Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, crying out to the Father, (Mathew 26:36-45) I stopped. I knew something was there for me to see but I didn't know what? I kept re-reading those verses over and over again. He kept saying: "Not my will, Father, but Thine be done!" I knew it was important for me to see/know/understand it's meaning.
Then, suddenly, it all began to unfold before me, like a butterfly spreading out it's wings. I SAW it! MY God I SEE it! Now I know WHY Jesus is in an agony of his soul in the garden. "IT'S BECAUSE HE'S ABOUT TO DO THE FATHER'S WILL AND GO TO THE CROSS! AND THE REASON HE IS GOING THERE IS...IS...OH MY GOD...FOR ME?! HE'S DOING THIS FOR ME!?"
Now I see - Now I know - Now I understand! My God, I am sitting in an amphitheater, and only feet away from me that scene in the book of Matthew 26 was being played out in magnificent splendor right before my very eyes. Oh, I cannot take it! I cannot take such love and mercy for me as I see here! Oh my God! The tears pouring out of my eyes and onto the pages of the Gospel of Matthew in no way blurr the view of Him who loves me with a love I cannot even comprehend, and who gave Himself to the cross for the likes of me...me??? "Me", of all people!!! He's doing all this to Forgive me of my sins?!! I could not put down that Bible, and I cried so much and so long, that all I could do was thank Him over and over again.
It was also during this time that the Lord revealed Himself to me by making His powerful presence known. It was as if the skies parted before my very eyes and He spoke clearly and directly to me, saying. "I AM THE LORD GOD THE ALMIGHTY!"
I was trembling in fear yet overjoyed to tears at the same time because He had rolled back the clouds of darkness that had always separated us and made Himself known to me. "There is a God"! I said. "You are real! Oh my Lord and my God!" "Oh Lord, I told Him, "I love you now and want to do what you want me to do." And the Lord spoke and said, "If you love Me, you'll keep my commandments and honor thy father."
"Gulp". I swallowed, "Oh Lord, tell me anything but that (Ephesians.6:2)! You know that! I'll crawl to you on broken glass. Anything! It would be easier to be hit by a Mack Truck than to ask my father's forgiveness for having hurt him all my life. You know how he is! He'll laugh out loud, or something! Shouldn't he be the one asking me for my forgiveness???"
Then the clouds began to roll back in, and before they closed, the Lord's parting words to me were, "IF you love Me you'll do it!"
For two days I trembled. Even my mom saw me shaking, and though I tried to explain the 'war' that was going on inside in me, I knew she just didn't understand.
(She has since died in August of 1998 of a terrible stroke and is deeply missed. In her own way she seemed to be the complete opposite of my dad. As fine a loving mother and lady as there ever was.)
"IF" you love Me! That "IF" was a killer! Of course I loved Him!? Certainly I loved Him!? He first loved me, with a love beyond comprehention. "IF!" Yes I loved Him, but did I REALLY love Him by going and apologizing to my father and be reconciled to him as He wanted?
'Finally', I stood up knowing what I had to do. I know I loved Him enough to do what He said. I went over and put my arm around him, looked him square in the eye and said:
"Dad, I'm sorry for hurting you. I promise to NEVER hurt you again. Please forgive me!"
This came as a complete surprise to him. A real shock! His jaw dropped to the floor, he began to choke up, and his eyes became wet like mine. I kissed and hugged him and walked into my bedroom. As I had turned to go, he said, in a tiny choked up voice, "It's about time you woke up, boy!"
In the bedroom the tears were pouring out, my head and hands were lifted to the heavens, and all I could do was affirm what my father had said, by replying, "Oh dad, how right you are!" The heavens rejoiced, and the angels sang, giving glory to God that, I, the chief of all the hardheads and sinners who ever lived, had 'finally' repented of his sins (Lk 15:7, 10).
But God knew me better than I did! So in order to understand what is about to shortly take place between me and my dad, we need to understand the "POWER" of sin that is present in and ruled over the "OLD" Adamic creature (The Self) so long as "I" was still alive and in charge of MY life, by saying and meaning: ("and I PROMISE to NEVER hurt you again, Dad!")
Paul understood this dilemna and wrote about it in "Romans 7:14-24"... I did not (until later on)! Remember how "I" was the one who had promised NEVER to hurt my dad again? (and I meant it with a passion!) I had always been religiously taught that in "ME" was the power - that "I" had the Power, the Righteousness, the Holiness in "me" to keep these vows sacred - (Doing it all outwardly [under law]: FOR God of course!!!). But all it showed me was that "I" was still alive, still thinking as a man being under the law, not realizing that the Power to Keep that vow holy was NOT "In me", but "In Christ"! (So long as "I" lived, "I" was trying to rob Christ out of what rightfully and gloriously belonged to Him alone = John 17:13, and the victory of the cross.)
It was still "me, myself and I" who tried hard to live the Christian life, believing that "I" could - (Doing it all outwardly [under law]: FOR God, of course!!!). At the time what I needed to find out is that "I" (the "I" that was in me, the "Old Creature", my-Old Man, my-self, the way "I" always thought and acted) didn't have the kind of righteousness necessary to make or keep such a promise. The "I" IN me needed to be crucified and put to death with Christ and buried, then Jesus, through the Power of the Holy Spirit, could come alive IN me and live His life IN and through me, making me a whole New Creation, while having Him (and the way that He alone Pleased the Father) as my righteousness.
But the way I was going about it was that I felt much like a hammer that kept pounding down my sin whenever it appeared, but it just kept popping back up so fast that I didn't know what to do about it. In me I was still producing sin... so I had to stop but I didn't know how or what to do, yet I wanted to stay far away from my having to obey God perfectly (mainly because I knew "I" couldn't, I just didn't have it in me - in my Old Nature to do so). I never realized that the "I" in me had to die and be replaced by "The Holy Spirit". What a dilemna I was in!
I did not want to be put to death in order to live the Christian life: By coming to the Cross. I wanted to live, and live unto my-self! I wanted eternal life + my old life at the same time. I looked and looked for ways out of this dilemna, but each time I ran into a dead end. I truly wanted to do good, yet I failed miserably because I had always tried to preserve my own Adamic/Sin-filled life in the bargain. (I hadn't yielded my life [i.e. my "self"] fully to Jesus yet, therefore [unbeknowest to me at the time] I hadn't received POWER to live the Christian life as yet: Acts 1:8 -- because "I" was the one who was trying to live it FOR Christ.)
So within a few months, believe it or not, I was back to "hating" my father all over again. Arrrgh! I found that in me was no good thing. I just did not have what it takes in order to love him the way that God said. I was arguing with and hurting my father all over again, and remember, "I" had "Promised" him that I never would, and I really meant it when I said it. Oh how I loathed and hated myself!
This powerless condition that I saw myself in: Being unable to continue to do as God had said, had bothered me more than anything had in my life. Satan's thoughts entered me and seemed to make sense, as I even wanted to kill myself over being unable to keep God's commandment. (Yea, has God said?) If I killed myself or lost my witness then there would be one less rebel for God to deal with in this world! (Make sense? It did to me!) I just couldn't stop sinning and didn't know why. Raised as a "Roman Catholic" I was always taught that this "POWER TO DO GOOD" was in "ME", and that God gave it (i.e. "His righteousness") to "ME", so it was all up to "ME" to work it all out. (What a wake-up call this was!)
I hated and loathed myself! I wasn't doing the good I loved but the evil I hated and loathed instead. I found myself to be powerless to stop sinning and was the most wretched and miserable of persons. Romans 7:24 came to life, personally! I didn't know what to do short of killing myself by driving my car at 140 mph into a bridge abutment or in simply running away.
Then I thought I saw a way of escape, of running away. I saw a way to get away from hurting my dad over and over again, and away from the pounding of my conscience, even away from the voice of God for a while. So I gathered up all I had left; a few thousand dollars, and left for Florida to bet on the horses. I was a pretty good handicapper and I was intent on making a nice living and retiring off them. I left with the assurance that "I" couldn't lose, and would return rich, and all would know me as some Big Shot. I thought "I" could leave my worries and fears far behind me.
Off to Miami I went! To make a long story short, after I arrived at the race track I began to lose bets, sometimes in mysterious ways. Some of my bets would go lame in the lead just before the finish line, or get beat out by a 100-1 shot in a photo at the wire. Like clockwork many of my horses would find mysterious ways to lose. I kept scratching my head as I kept on losing.
Well let me tell you, the more I lost the more determined to win I became!!! Soon I became 'consumed and absorved' in my work, spending upwards of 16 hours a day handicapping 9 or 10 races, which normally take no more than a few hours. My head was constantly buried in the racing form. I kept losing and losing. I was stunned. I couldn't believe my streak of bad luck. I burst out crying from time to time, "for no apparent reason".
Then I realized what I kept myself from wanting to realize: "The Lord was taking a personal hand in this!" It was the only explanation that made sense. For I was never this bad, and managed to at least come close to breaking even, even in the worst of times.
Within a few short months all I had left for betting the horses was maybe $50 (plus the money I needed to get home on). I was nearly broke. I couldn't believe it. Shocked, I still went to the track, trying to handicap and play only a few, of what I considered as the "premier" picks of the day. It didn't matter, I still lost! It was becoming embarrasingly obvious that the Lord had other plans.
I had turned my back on Him because I felt He let me down. I figured that because He didn't keep His word after I made up with my father, then why should I keep mine? (Who knew that I had believed the lie of "me" doing it, as Romans 7 said?) He knew I had turned my back on Him... and I knew that He knew it too.
A week or so goes by. Finally, down to my last $5 or $10 dollars of betting money, I went into a store to buy me some cheap food, and a little black kid, in dirty and torn clothes, came up to me and said, "Hey mister! Can I have 50 cents so I can buy some cookies? I'm hungry"! (Here I'm eating stale crackers in the car.)
The shortage of cash in my pocket and my only thinking of myself and my needs, almost caused me to brush him off. But as part of me thought, "Beat it kid, I need all the money I have", another part thought, "Gee, his clothes are tattered and he sure looks like he could use a bite to eat". I went with the last part. Looking at the kid I said, "sure kid, here".
In the same way I had also been "Holding Back" the Lord all of those months in Florida, keeping Him at a distance, keeping Him from telling me what I knew He wanted to tell me and what I knew I didn't want to hear. I stepped outside after giving the kid the paltry 50 cents because the tears started to well up again. And as I headed to my run-down apartment the Lord began to show me something.
(At the time I did want to hear what the Lord wanted to tell me, but not until AFTER I made a killing off the horses and enough to retire on easy street for the rest of my life. THEN, I thought, I would follow Him... but it would under "MY" terms and conditions. I still didn't see Jesus as being my righteousness before God.
If anyone is to blame I can use the excuse that I had been wrongly taught by that church I had been a member of!? Can't I??)
(Hmmm...did I just hear Frank Sinatra in the background singing, "MY Way"?)
But I knew that there was only ONE way: HIS way, and it was past time for me to face and hear the Truth. I did! That's when the dark clouds parted and the Light of God finally broke through again. I saw and even smelled this sinfully hopeless, wretched, evil, ugly, vile beast. The most foul creature I ever saw and smelled! (and it was!) I was stunned, even shocked, that God would allow such a creature as this to be allowed to exist for one second without incurring His full wrath!
The moment I saw it I cried out to the Lord: "Lord! Kill it! Destroy it! How dare such a foul and putrid thing be allowed to live in your presence, before You, the holy and great Lord God the Almighty. This evil creature has no business being here in your holy presence. I abhor it. It reeks to high heaven! What are you waiting for? Destroy it and throw it into hell, Lord, where it belongs and 100% deserves to be. How dare this vile..."thing", live before You, the Great and Holy God!!!"
"I" had spoken (and my words were based on the Truth I saw and heard, so I knew they carried weight)! The Lord saw, tasted and smelled what I had, for He was in the same Exposing Light I saw by! The depraved creature I testified against was so filthy and hopelessly rotten to the core that I knew it had to be destroyed. The Lord would quickly deal with this 'thing' as I asked Him to, and destroy it. For He is holy and cannot look upon such wickedness as this! I knew this absolutely!
Then, suddenly and without warning, this evil, and polluted creature slowly turned and faced me. SHOCK OF SHOCKS!!! I could not believe what I was seeing! Yet, in His All-Knowing Light, I had no choice but to believe. This vile and disgusting 'thing' had my name on it. My name! How did it come to have 'MY' name? It was "ME"! "ME???" Aaargh!
(I knew that I was bad thru and thru, but who would have ever believed that I was That Bad and Rotten? "GOD"!)
Somehow the Lord had tricked me, much the same as Nathan the prophet got David to confessing what he'd do before he was told that, "You" are the man: 2 Samuel 12:5-7.
I could only stare in absolute shock at this foul and loathesome creature in awe and utter amazement as I came to fully realize that this rotten to the core 'thing' I had utterly loathed, hated and detested above all was...me? me! "ME!!!???" The POWER of sin that I saw in me existed because "I" lived, and I lived in and thru my Adamic Nature, which always was separated from God. No wonder Jesus had to come.
"Oh what a self righteous hypocrit; a white washed sepulcher, I saw that I was and am within! I thought that I could somehow keep what I was and am and enter into the Kingdom of God. There was no way to retain my Old Man (my sin nature) and still enter heaven. My sin nature reeked before God! I was a nose stopper! Oh, Woe is me, most wretched and miserable man that I am and I am totally without strength (i.e. "righteousness") before God. In me, I clearly saw, was "no good thing"! Only evil."
(The reality of it all struck me right between the eyes, harder than any physical sledge-hammer or freight-train ever could. (Job 42:5-6)
Suddenly realizing what I had said and Who it was I said it to, I fell on my knees and begged for mercy. I was in a state of "Full Realization" with total fear and trembling before Him, as I asked Him to please reconsider what I just said. "Oh Lord, please forgive me! Have mercy on me, Lord!"
He was the one who had shown me my 'self' for what I was (Jn.16:8), and brought me low to this place: to the end of myself. He was the one who was all-powerful. Then He spoke. His words were cold and matter-of-fact: "You cannot serve both God and mammon! You'll love the one and despise the other."
(I knew Exactly what He meant, for I had one foot in the kingdom and one foot in the world, and I wanted to live and walk according to both. I also knew He was about to get up and close the door and chop off my kingdom foot forever. I learned right then and there that you cannot play God for a fool. You cannot!)
"Chose you this day whom you will serve! Either Come To Me with both feet and turn your back on all else, OR walk away from Me now and forever...with no regrets and no remorse. Chose you now!" And that pretty much was it.
I was stunned! I expected chastizement or punishment, yes, but this? He wasn't kidding around! It was time for me to obey and follow Him, or not obey and not follow Him, "Permanently". I knew He absolutely meant business! I was about to be "spewed out"! Well I sure didn't have too far to look.
I was at the end of all my ropes, where all things became clear. I was bruised and injured and sat facing the Truth. In this world my cupboards were bare, and in the next I reeked and stunk to high heaven. "What an awful mess!"
And all of this because I had broken and kept breaking the holy laws of God, and I was powerless stop myself from breaking them. The harder I tried the worse it got.
After gathering all my thoughts, I weighed and considered every angle as I searched for a way out of this dilemna, searching desperately for an easier, wider way into the Kingdom of God, wanting to keep and preserve my old, smelly, Adamic life with its power in the bargain. Although I had looked and looked all over for an easier way into heaven, I kept finding only the Narrow Gate which led to the Cross and my own Death in myself staring back at me. "Death!"
I sat down! After weighing all the costs I examined myself to see if I had what I knew (Love to God first and foremost) it would take and if I still retained some spark of love in my heart towards Him who loved me with a love that first blew me away. I knew what I had to do! I searched and found a teeny ember barely aglow for him in some dark corner of my heart, and began to blow on it.
As I blew on it I knew that I loved Him. My God, but how could I not love Him who first loved me? He knew that I loved Him... at least I thought He did... oh I prayed that He did.
Now here was my dilemna: Upon my recognition of what there was to see, I knew that if I decided to Come "All-The-Way" to Him (to plant both my feet in the Kingdom) it would spell "death" to the Old man (the Old Adamic/Sinful ME), and "life" to the New. "But HEY", I thought to myself, "I'm the only ME I know!"
God knows "I" looked for a way out (Romans 7:18-19), but I saw no other me than a dead me... "forever"! (That was a shocker, let me tell you.) Although I had looked for another way, an easier way into the kingdom and preserve my life with its own self-power while doing it, I could find no other way than through Christ: Coming to Him through the cross. I knew that if I turned away from Him then it's death too; only it's death to my New man, or the man I really never knew or had but was hoping to have one day; like Lazarus' Martha, and receive the new me in the resurrection (John 11:24).
So there it was! "DEATH!" I was looking "DEATH" in the eye, either way! Death was all around me, and there was no escaping it! The Cross had me surrounded. I had already been judged and found guilty of death. I said to myself: Some choice I have! Either way: I die if I don't and I die if I do! "Help me, Lord!" "Give me 'faith' Lord", I cried out, "Oh Lord, I want to do what you want me to. Give me the faith to do as I must"!
That's when He said to me, "I AM the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" John 11:25-26
(His personal word gave me the assurance I needed!)
I remember reading in the Song of Songs how Love is stronger than Death... so strong is it, in fact, that no flood can quench it... a flame reaching to heaven itself. And all the while I'm reflecting on that verse I know that I really haven't any choice ...but one, the choice that was based on Love. Keeping my heart, eyes and ears focused upon Christ the other choice was no longer an option for me. No longer! I knew in my heart of hearts that I did love Him, and that I still did, and that to me He was worthy of every bit of me!
I began to lift my head and opened up my heart so that He could see that tiny glow, that teeny spark of Love that was lit (and that He first put) in there for Him. I prayed that the Lord would know - ohh I prayed He would know that surely I do love Him and wanted to obey Him with all my heart by Coming to Him.
And in my spirit, or heart, or whatever, I began that long, but quick turn away from my sins and sin, from my old life and having to do things My Way and turned towards Him (i.e. I repented). I came to Him with nothing at all. All I saw and expected was death! Nothing more! But I knew that even death didn't matter anymore! All that mattered was Him. His will was also mine; "Not as I will, Father, but as Thou will." All that was in me joined up to follow through completely on only one choice: and that was to Come to Him, lock, stock and barrel, and lay myself down at His feet forever with no regrets, no remorse, and no strings or baggage attached.
Obviously with His help whereby "I" had to come to Him... and yet "I" was the one who had to take that turn or step of no return (i.e. to repent) - and "I" had to do it of my own volition (He doesn't do it for you) - coming to the foot of His cross with my heart wide open to show Him that I did love Him and would rather die right now under His feet than live another second without Him for the rest of my life. This I just couldn't bear.
This is the place (at the foot of the cross- Acts 7:49) where "I" came, died, was buried and found out personally that His Grace is more powerful than sin and His Love (i.e. The Power of His Life) is even greater than death itself, and that He has already tasted death for every man (Hebrews 2:9), at least for every man coming to Him!
You see, God didn't just come to forgive us our sins, so that we can go on sinning, being forgiven, sinning, being forgiven, but He came in order to make an entire New Man out of us with a whole New Heart - one that is born after the image of God - and one that obeys His command, like: "Go and sin no more!".
(It was there, at the foot of the cross, that I realized that in me [The Old me] dwelt the power of sin and death, but in Him [The New Me] dwelt the power of righteousness and life by faith.)
As I took that step of no return towards obeying Him completely was when that tiny spark of love for Him hidden in my heart suddenly took flight and became a flame... and the flame suddenly burst forth into a blazing inferno of love... for 'me' (John 14:23)! For "WHO?" For "ME?" "WHAT?" How could this be? Don't be ridiculous! I died, remember?! All my love always was for "HIM", not for "me"! What Love is this in return? (I gave Him 100% and He was giving me back 101%, packed down and flowing over) I cannot take it, this is too full of joy! I am melting like butter! He is squeezing me to death! I'm going to burst at the seams!
It was at that moment that all things became... BRAND NEW (2 Cor.5:17)
This was also when Romans 7:25 and Paul was saying: "I thank God through Jesus Christ my Lord", that this became real and alive in me. Because that is when "Christ Jesus" became real and alive in me!!!
(- 04/24/2011 -) And after 35 years of reflection I clearly know exactly what it was that happened to me....
"When I experienced God pouring out His Love for Christ IN me, is when "I" (i.e. "I", my Old Man, the Old Creation, who was always without Christ) had died (John 8:51) and was buried with Christ. Out of this - out of God's profound Love - a New Man came to life, but I soon found my New man -"the New me"- back on earth again. I was on cloud 9 bathing in the sweetness of the Lord for several weeks, evidently so that "the New me -IN- Christ, and having Christ IN the New me"... could be a witness giving glory to Jesus by revelation and to the evidence of God's love and truth! I was a New Man, witnessing to and honoring God!
The 'Old Man' (the me who once was) died...yet the New "I" 'lived' - but it wasn't (the Old) "I" who lived any longer ("Gal.2:20"), it was a BRAND NEW ME who lived. It was "Christ IN me", who now Lived and Reigned and has His Being.
Oh it was still "me" allright, and yet it wasn't the OLD "me" at all. The "old me" that I once was and knew was gone, replaced by a "whole New me". God had taken and slew the Old me with Him on the cross, and buried him, in order to give me a brand New me, one that loves Him by keeping His word (John 14:15, 21).
Now, "SPIRITUALLY SPEAKING", this NEW Life that I am now living is one that I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. Where before the old "I" was powerless to stop sinning, now in the the new "I" (the new man) is the power through Christ to... "Go and sin no more"! ... therefore the scripture...
"For in that he died, he died unto sin once: but in that he liveth, he liveth unto God.
Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.
Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.
For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace." Romans 6:10-14
"So this is what it's like to become: 'Born Again', as Jesus said (John 3:3)!" Who can explain it? Now I KNOW who Jesus is and what He's like! Now I know what it's like to be "FILLED TO NEAR BURSTING", packed chock full of His perfect, pure love that is filled with joy unspeakable and FULL of glory!
(Whoever could have thought in a million years that this would be so... wonderful??? So... miraculous??? So... Life-changing??? Truly none of these "descriptions" even come close to describing His Love! "So this is Love?!", as Cinderella found out! Well my Prince had come too! And it wasn't a "Fairy Tale".)
Now I knew why no one can come to the Father except they go through Christ and Him crucified first and lay it all down before Him! And to come to God through Christ is to come to the foot of the cross and DIE = - lay it all down - give it all up - sell it all - forsake it all, just as He says. The cross spells 'Death' to the entire Old Creation! The Blood that Jesus shed deals with our sins, but the Cross deals with our OLD MAN (i.e. with the very person who is under the Curse and Power of sin and death and therefore is controlled by the very person who causes those sins in the first place - Hebrews 2:14).
Oh how badly I want to state to everyone why we must ALL be born again!!! (John 5:24)
(For the Kingdom of God has nothing at all to do with what to eat or what to drink, but has everything to do with righteousness, peace, and genuine joy in the Holy Spirit. Romans 14:17)
When I first heard the Gospel, and received the seed / word of God in my heart, I had chewed on it taking it deep into my heart to examine it, and it must have caught fire and grew there... and from out of the ashes of that old creation glowed a little spark of love towards his God, put there when I first received the word. Then came God's Power (i.e The Holy Spirit) and; as I responded to His word, allowed that spark that Jesus put in me to ignite and blaze up into a flaming fire, even reaching up to His throne...
Give, and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall be given into your bosom: for with the same measure with which ye mete it shall be measured to you again. Luke 6:38
It was while I was in this melting inferno; this overpowering firey love of God, in this intimacy of being embraced and squeezed by Almighty God to where you can't take anymore, by which I was made anew and created with new life in Christ - one with an unspeakable Joy beyond words and Full of Glory (1 Peter 1:7-9). It was in His love that a NEW MAN was born, a man in whom Christ came to life in (John 12:24) and had risen in to reveal Himself in him (Job 29:11)... by revealing Himself as non other than... "The Lord God The Almighty - The King Of Glory and Son of the Living God!"
"All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him." Matthew 11:27
"For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins" Hebrews 10:26
Trying to describe such a love as His is somewhat likened to being an ingot melted down in the blazing and glorious furnace of God's Love and Resurrecting Power. Like a pot of Melting, Liquified Love pouring out and boiling over in ones heart, a heart filled with New Life in the power of regeneration in the love and glory of God, filled until he is bursting at the seams and can't take any more, or he will split at the seams and be blown apart by The LOVE of God in the glory-filled face of Jesus Christ. Talk about Life and having it Abundantly??? - John 10:10
Such is the overflowing joy, passion, purity and the power contained in His life and His love! Like Himself, His Love is "Absolutely Perfect", filling every pore, being poured into every nook and cranny, healing every wound and scar (no matter how deep or hidden), and purifying and making holy every vessel! The power of His love is absolutely staggering and His purity of love is so clean and perfect that it lacks nothing, knows everything, and fills in everything - every crack, every crevice, and every hidden hurt there ever was! "For God is Love!" (The greatest understatement of all time!!!)
Realizing then that he had stooped to "Scum-of-the-earth" status, yet remembering that his father, the King, was a man who was quick to forgive fools like himself who come to their senses and who have repented from the heart of their sin against God, he turned around and went back home with a rendered heart and tears in his eyes.
He would be most grateful of all if his father could see fit just to allow him to return and become the lowest doormat of all in His Father's kingdom. Oh how wonderful that would be!
He would go back and knock on that door and ask for His Father's kind mercy and forgiveness, until it either opened or until he died just outside of it, knowing he had no other place to go or wanted to be, except near his father.
Even before he came halfway home his father came out to greet him and love him and take him on into his kingdom and crown him and shower him with his riches and love... for the one He lost He found again, and was full of joy over it!***
"Today is the day of Salvation! Tomorrow is the day of death! The proof in our saying we love Him is shown by our 'doing' what He says! He says, "Come To Me, and I will give you Eternal Life, and no power (neither sin nor death) will ever snatch you out of My hand!" Talk on our part is cheap! The Kingdom of God is not in words only but primarily in POWER - the Power of a New Life in Christ...namely it comes in Resurrection Life in the Power of His Love...shed abroad into our hearts by the Holy Spirit! Surely He is worth laying it all down for!
"COME TO ME" is the high calling of God in Christ to you and to me!!!
So, if we are seriously intent on letting-go of all that holds us here (including our own lives), and have kept that spark of love for Him (that first love) alive in our heart, then we are the ones who will answer - who must answer that call, intent on loving Him ALL the way with our whole heart...until we arrive at our destination: At the foot of the cross...to have Him slay our Old Man, our Adamic/Sinful nature along with His body on the cross, and then beyond and on into the Father's Blessed Arms... and receive our new life by Him... a life that's IN Him... and one lived victoriously through Him.
May God deeply bless "you" in Christ as He has so wonderously and graciously blessed me. And if He can bless me, He can (and is ready to) bless you too. Believe me! Beter yet, Believe what God says!
Biff 
