I guess it all mainly began when my little grandma died, around 1970 (Wow! has it been that long?). I remember being very angry over her death (mostly because I didn't visit her more often and felt guilty), and storming into her bedroom and shaking my fist at the crucifix she had on the wall, and telling God, that she, of all people had better be in heaven, and if not I proceeded to use every vile word in the book to tell Him what He could do with His heaven in no uncertain terms. I remember afterwards feeling uncomfortable over what I had done.
Then around 1972, still carrying two chips on my shoulders, mad at the world, poor, hurting and sick of life, when one day the priest of my church called me in to tell me that I wasn't attending and paying enough and for me to pay lots more, or else (whisper- excommunication ....aiyyyyeee). Well when I got done with him, telling him in very clear terms what he could do with himself, his church and his God, and slamming the door behind me as hard as I could, I walked out, excommunicating myself. This time I remember afterwards of feeling good that I had rid myself of these hypocrits.
That brings us to events that happened in 1975/76. I hated my father with a passion! He was so obstinate that everything I said was white (and mostly it was) but everything he said was black. Then one day I was sitting in the living room, while he was telling a story of his account of the depression to a friend of his in the kitchen. I was so sick of him I didn't even want to hear his voice...nevertheless, I was listening (probably to find something I could use to show how stupid he was), when he began to tell his friend how poor his family of 10 kids were. "We were so poor", he said, "that I had to wear the hand-me-down socks of my older brothers, and these had holes in both ends like those used in baseball." He called them his "holey socks".
As he continued, he told his friend that while in school one day (I believe he was in the sixth grade), the teacher told all the kids to take off their shoes and socks because a nurse came in to inspect them to see if they were healthy. Well my father protested. At first he refused to take off his shoes, but then the teacher made him, against his will. When he took them off, he said that was when the other kids (who had better clothes and more money) laughed and made fun of him. My father could not take it and ran out of school totally embarrased, and he never went back!
As he was telling this story, I looked up from the book I pretended I was reading, and saw how he was getting all choked up on his words, and how, even to this day, it deeply affected him. Then it all hit me: WAIT A MINUTE, my thoughts were shouting. OHH NO YOU DON'T. I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM OR HOW HE FELT. HE'S THE SAME GUY I'VE GOT NAILED ON THE WALL, AS UNCHANGING AND UNCARING, AND THERE HE REMAINS UNTIL DEATH DOES HE PART. HE'LL NEVER CHANGE. HE'S HEARTLESS. CRUEL. TOTALLY WITHOUT LOVE. NEVER LISTENS TO ANYONE! ACCUSES EVERYONE! NO! I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT THIS MAN HAS OR HAD SOME HUMILITY IN HIM. IMPOSSIBLE! HE NEVER HAD BEFORE, SO WHY SHOULD HE HAVE ANY NOW. NO! I'VE GOT HIM PEGGED ALLRIGHT! HE DESERVES MY JUDGEMENT OF HIM!
"And yet", said a wee small voice, "you see how that incident had deeply scarred him for the rest of his life!? You see how this man, who, as a small boy, was completely innocent, yet was so embarrased that when this happened it was on the same day that he put up a huge wall between himself and the outside world, never again allowing himself to be in situations that would embarrass him in any way. With such a wall as that, no one could get through to him, and it is amazing he ever married or had me. He rarely showed love or affection, at least not in any normal way, because he was stunted and didn't know how to give what he himself rarely received."
More and more I began to admit that maybe he was right all along and I was the one who was wrong. Maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all, and maybe I was being the bad guy in this whole scenario. (This kind of admission was new and frightening to me, yet I could not shake it off.) Finally I was brought to a place where I could finally admit that I was wrong. Not only wrong, but Always Wrong to have nailed my dad to a cross and judged him so harshly. This was the first time I can remember that I had feelings towards my dad, wanting to reach out to him and comfort him (whom I once despised), by putting my arms around him and hold him and tell him I'm sorry, and just love him. Although I never did (at that time) but his story of the "Holey Socks" had completely changed my attitude and understanding about him.
It was shortly after this time, still feeling quite sensative to right from wrong, when I was led one evening to pick up the Bible and read it. I don't know where I began but I ended up in the Gospel of Matthew, and when I reached the part where Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, crying out to the Father, (Mathew 26:36-45) I stopped. I knew something was there but I didn't know what. I kept reading it over and over again. I knew it was important for me to see it and to understand it. Then, suddenly, it all began to unfold, like a butterfly spreading out it's wings. I SAW it! MY God I SEE it! I know WHY Jesus is in an agony of his soul in the garden. "IT'S BECAUSE HE'S ABOUT TO GO TO THE CROSS! AND THE REASON HE IS GOING THERE IS...IS...OH MY GOD...FOR ME?! HE'S DOING THIS FOR ME!?"
Now I see! Now I understand! My God, I am sitting in an amphitheater, and only feet away from me the scene in the book of Matthew 26 is being played out in magnificent splendor right before my very eyes. I cannot take it! I cannot take such love for me as I see here! Oh my God! The tears pouring out of my eyes and onto the pages of the Gospel of Matthew in no way blurr the view of Him who loves me with a love I cannot even comprehend, and who gave Himself to the cross for the likes of me...me??? Me of all people.
It was perhaps the next day or very shortly after that that the Lord revealed Himself to me by making His presence known. It was as if the skies parted and He spoke clearly and directly to me, saying. "I am the Lord God the Almighty!" I was trembling in fear and overjoyed to tears at the same time because He had rolled back the clouds of darkness that had always separated us and made Himself known to me. "There is a God"! I said. "You are real! Oh my Lord and my God!" "Oh Lord, I told Him, "I love you now and want to do what you want me to do." And the Lord spoke and said, "If you love Me, then be reconciled to your father." "Gulp". I swallowed, "Oh Lord, anything but that! I'll crawl to you on broken glass. Anything! It would be easier to be hit head on by a semi than to ask my father's forgiveness for hurting him all my life. Shouldn't he be the one asking me for my forgiveness?" Then the clouds began to roll back in, and before they closed, the Lord's parting words to me were, "If you love Me, as you say do, then you'll do it!"
For two solid days I trembled, literally. Even my mom saw me shaking, and even though I tried to explain what happened I know she didn't understand the battle that was being waged in my heart. (She has since died in August of 1998 of a terrible stroke and is deeply missed. She always set a fine example, and was such a wonderful mother and person that everyone loved and felt special just to be around her. In every way she was the complete opposite of my dad. She was a fine lady.)
"IF" you love Me! That "IF" was a killer! Of course I loved Him! Certainly I loved Him! He first loved me, with a love beyond comprehention. "IF!" I loved Him, but did I REALLY love Him in the way He wanted me to love Him, by going and apologizing to my father and be reconciled to him??? Finally, I stood up. I knew that I did love Him. I loved Him enough to do what He said. I went over to dad, put my arm around him, looked him in the eye, and said: "Dad, I'm sorry for hurting you, 'and I'll NEVER hurt you again'. Please forgive me!" This was a complete surprise. His jaw dropped, he began to choke up, and his eyes became wet like mine. I kissed him and walked into my bedroom, and as I had turned to go, he said, in a tiny choked up voice, "It's about time you woke up, boy!"
In the bedroom, tears were pouring out of my eyes, as my head and hands were lifted to the heavens, and all I could do was affirm what my father had said, by replying, "Oh dad, how right you are!" The heavens rejoiced, and the angels sang, giving glory to God that, I Biff Clement, hardhead of all hardheads and sinners who were ever born on earth, had proved his love to His Lord and Savior by doing as He commanded.
(Boy what a good place to end!)
In order to understand what is about to take place between me and my dad, we need to understand the power of sin that is present in and rules over the OLD creature...
Paul understood this! He knew what I did not! I vowed to NEVER hurt him again. Little did I realize that I did not have the power to keep that vow!
However, I began to lose in mysterious ways. My bet would go lame while in the lead just before the finish line, or get beat out by a 100-1 shot by a nose. Time and time again my horse would screw up in some way that I would lose. I kept scratching my head. The more I lost the more I was consumed by my work, spending upwards of 16 hours a day handicapping 9 or 10 races, which normally take no more 20 minutes each. My face was constantly in the racing form. I kept losing and losing. I was stunned. I couldn't believe my streak of bad luck. Then I realized what I kept myself from realizing: "The Lord was taking a personal hand in my affairs!" It was the only explanation that made sense. For I was never that bad, and always managed to at least break even, even in the worst of times.
Now all I had left was maybe $50 (not counting the money I had stashed away to get me home on). I had been in Florida for only two and one half months and I was broke. I couldn't believe it. I still kept going to the track, trying to handicap and play only a few, of what I considered as the best picks of the day. I still lost. It was becoming embarrasingly obvious. The Lord was smiting me! I had turned my back on Him. He knew it and I knew it too. Finally, down to my last $5 or $10 dollars, I went into a convenience store to buy me some cheap food, and a little black kid, in dirty and torn clothes, came up to me and said, "Hey mister! Can you give me 50 cents so I can buy that box of cookies over there. I'm hungry"!
Instantly the shortage of cash in my pocket and my only thinking of myself and my needs, almost caused me to brush him off, but as part of me said, "Hey, I need all the money I have", another part said, "Gee, he sure looks like he could use a bite to eat", I went with the last part. Looking at the kid I said, "sure kid", and I gave him the 50 cents. You see, I had been "Holding Back" the Lord all of those months in Florida, keeping Him at a distance, keeping Him from telling me what I knew He was going to tell me and what I knew I didn't want to hear. I had to step outside after giving the kid the paltry 50 cents, because the tears starting running down my eyes again, and as I headed home the Lord began to show me something. (I did want to hear what the Lord wanted to tell me, BUT not until after I made a killing off the horses and enough to retire on easy street for the rest of my life.)
At the apartment where I stayed, it was time I faced the Truth. That's when the Light of God finally broke through, and as clear as a bell I saw and smelled this completely and hopelessly wretched, evil, ugly, vile beast and the most foul creature I ever saw in my life. I never knew such that a creature would even be allowed to exist for one second without incurring the full wrath of God. The moment I saw it I cried out to the Lord: "Lord! Kill it! Destroy it! How dare such a foul thing be allowed to live before the holy and great Lord God the Almighty. This evil creature has no business being in your presence. It reeks to high heaven! Throw it into hell, Lord, where it belongs and deserves to be. How dare it live before you!!!"
"I" had spoken! (and my words were based on the solid evidence of Truth) The Lord saw and smelled what I saw and smelled, for He was in the Light! The ugly creature I testified against was so blackened, filthy and rotten inside that I knew the Lord would do this 'thing' as I asked Him to, and destroy it. For He is holy and cannot look upon such evil as this was! I knew this absolutely.
Realizing what I had said, along with who God is, I fell on my knees and begged for mercy. I was in a state of total fear and trembling before Him, as I asked Him to please reconsider what I just said. "Oh Lord, please forgive me! Have mercy on me, Lord!" I realized that He was the one who had shown me myself for what I was, and that He had brought me low, to this place where I was now, to the end of myself. Then He spoke, and His words were cold and matter-of-fact. He said: "You cannot serve both God and mammon! You must come to love one and despise the other." (I knew that I had one foot in the kingdom and one foot in the world, and I was trying to play the best of both. I also knew that at this time He was about to get up and close the door and chop off my kingdom foot forever. I learned right then and there that you cannot play God for a fool.) "Chose today whom you will serve! Either Come To Me with both feet and turn your back on all else, with no regrets or turning back, OR walk away from Me now and forever, with no regrets and no remorse. Whatever you decide make sure that you finish the job!" And that was it.
I was stunned! I expected chastizement or punishment, but this??? He wasn't kidding around! I knew He absolutely meant business! Well I sure didn't have too far to look. I was bruised and injured and sat facing all my fortunes...what fortunes? All my cupboards were bare. I reeked to high heaven! So I sat down and gathered myself. After considering all the angles, weighing all the costs and examining my heart to see if I still could find some love in there towards Him who first loved me with such an awesome and powerful love beyond all comprehention, I think I found a spark still lit for him over in some dark corner.
Heck! I knew that I loved Him. He knew that I loved Him! (at least at one time.)
So there it is! "DEATH!" Death either way! Death was what was facing me! "Big deal", I said to myself. "Some choice I have! I die if I don't and I die if I do!" Then, as I remember, it was at this time that I heard Him say, "I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this? John 11:25-26 His words gave me faith!
I took that first and last step of no return in coming to Him with my heart wide open intent on proving to Him that I do love Him and would rather die than be without Him for the rest of my life. And as I took that step, the spark of love in my heart for Him suddenly became a flame...and it didn't end there, for the flame suddenly burst forth into a blazing inferno of love. And after 20+ years of reflection I know what happened to me. I DIED! I did but I didn't! Christ tasted death for every man, including me. No one can come to the Father except they go through Christ first! And to come to Him through Christ is to come to the foot of the cross and die with him. The cross spells death to the old man. And so, in the ashes of that old man glowed a little spark of love towards His God, put there by Him who first loved us...then came God's power and caused that spark to flame and blaze up into a roaring inferno. And it was in this inferno, in this blazing love of God that a NEW MAN was created. A man formed in the same fashion and manner as Christ in the furnace of God's Resurrecting Power and Melting Love! A man filled with the power of eternal life in the love of God, until he is bursting at the seams and can't take any more. For such is the passion and the power of His life and His love! So great, that like the parable of the wineskins, a man wouldn't be able to contain it and it would leak all out. Else it would kill him! His power of love is so great that it nearly kills the New Man, the man who will never die! But both of them (the new wine and the new wineskin) will properly age together!
What we have here in my testimony, is no different, really, than the "Prodigal Son" returning home to his rightful birthright, or losing it forever! It wasn't until he was brought down to eating with the pigs that brought him to his senses. And, coming to his senses, he realized the fool he had become, and what he had squandered away: His Inheritance! Then, remembering that his father, the King, was a man who was quick to forgive fools like himself who come to their senses and repented, he turned around and went back home; willing to become the lowest servant if his father would let him. But before he came halfway his father was there to greet him and love him and take him on into his kingdom and shower him with his riches and love.
Ladies and gentlemen: "This was my story, now hear my song. "Those who Come to Christ out of love for Him and His words, will be born again, never to die or fall away. Those who have yet come to Christ, including those who say they are saved through faith, are in danger of falling away by becoming ensnared in the cares of this life and the deceit of riches (as I was). You have read my story and seen my testimony. God is serious! Please, above all know that! He cannot be untrue to Himself. He will do everything He says He will. He is to be greatly feared or respected in that respect! Let no one be like Scarlet OHara and say, "Oh pooh, I just can't bear to think about it today. I'll think about it tomorrow." "Today is the day of Salvation! Tomorrow is the day of death! The proof in our saying we love Him is shown by our 'doing' what He says! He says, "Come To Me, and I will give you Eternal Life, and no power (neither sin nor death) will ever snatch you out of My hand!" Talk on our part is cheap! The Kingdom of God is not in words only but primarily in POWER - the Power of a New Life in Christ...namely it comes in Resurrection Life in the Power of His Love! Surely He is worth laying it all down for!
"COME TO ME" is the high calling of God in Christ to you and to me, and if you are serious, and have sold all, and have kept that spark of love for Him alive in your heart, then you are the one who will answer - who must answer that call intent on loving Him ALL the way with your whole heart...until you arrive at your destination: At the foot of the cross...(to lay down your old man), and then beyond and on into the Father's arms...(to receive your new one by Him...in Him...through Him)!!!
May God deeply bless "you" in Christ as He has so wonderously and graciously blessed me,
Biff Clement
Dear reader, I will unashamedly tell you here and now that I could not put down that Bible, and that I cried so much and so long, that all I could do was thank Him over and over and over and over again. The pages of Matthew 26, and several layers deep were sop and wet, may I joyously say.
Rom 7:17-24
17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
Within several months, believe it or not, I was back to hating my father again. I was hurting him all over again, and I promised him I never would, and really meant it when I said it. All of this bothered me more than anything in my life, and I even wanted to kill myself over it, because I couldn't seem to stop sinning and didn't know why. I hated myself! I wasn't doing the good I wanted to do but the evil I hated. I was powerless to stop and was most wretched and miserable. I saw a way to escape, to get away from my dad for a while. So I gathered up a few thousand dollars and left for Florida to play the horses. I was a pretty good handicapper and I was intent on making a nice living and retiring off them.
Then, suddenly and without warning, this evil, and ugly creature slowly turned and faced me. SHOCK!!! I could not believe it, not in a million years. Yet, in the Light, I had no choice but to believe what I was being shown. This vile 'thing' had my name on it. My name! How did it come to have 'MY' name? I could only stare at this foul beast in shock and utter amazement as I realized that this rotten to the core creature I had utterly loathed and detested was...me? me! "ME!!!" The reality of it all struck me harder than any sledgehammer ever could.
Now here is the dilemna which faced me. If I decided to Come to Him it would spell death to the old man (the old me, the old way I was). But, "HEY" I'm the only me I know! I saw no other me than a dead me...forever! Yet, if I turn away from Him it's death too, only it's death to the new man, or the man I really never knew but was hoping one day, in the resurrection, to receive; and then death to me later on when I die without hope of ever being raised from death to life.
I remembed reading in the Song of Songs once that Love is stronger than Death...so strong, in fact, that no flood can quench it...a flame reaching to heaven itself. And all the while I'm reflecting on that I know that I really haven't any choice...but one. I knew in my heart that I did love Him, and that I still did love Him, and that to me He was worth far more than anything this world has to offer. Last of all was my mother (I had no wife back then) whom I loved and gave her to the Lord, setting her aside, because I loved Him more. And I began to lift up my head and open up my heart so that the Lord would know - ohh I know that He would know that surely I do love Him and wanted to love Him with all my heart. And in my spirit, or heart, or whatever, I began that long turn towards Him. I knew that even death didn't matter anymore! All that mattered was Him! All that I had in me was to follow through completely on one choice, and that was to Come to Him, lock, stock and barrel, having no regrets, no remorse, and no strings or baggage attached.
