So That Your Values Live On

Return to Sermon Index

“So That Your Values Live On”
A Sermon on Ethical Wills
for the Unitarian Universalist Church of
Winchendon, Massachusetts
the Rev. Jennie Ann Barrington
May 14, 2006
[for Mother’s Day]

On this Mother’s Day, I wish you tenderness and love, and clarity when you are faced with circumstances your parents’ generation never faced, nor even imagined that you would have to face. Ideally, our parents and their cohorts will have prepared us for all myriad of life circumstances. And traditionally, mothers most often have been the ones who have learned a family’s lasting values and passed them on to the next generations as guidance and inspiration. But that passing along of a family’s values often ends up being done in a catch-as-catch-can way-- We recall, from time to time, certain phrases or rules: “business before pleasure;” “A penny saved is a penny earned;” even “leave a place better-off than it was when you arrived;” [which the Girl Scouts who meet in our church always tell me and demonstrate to me]. We regret, though --don’t we?-- often, that more of that guidance and inspiration our elders possessed was not ever written down.

To write those values down is to make an Ethical Will. An ethical will can be written by anyone, at any point in their life, and can either be left for loved-ones after one’s death, or shared with others during one’s lifetime, even when there is no reason to think that death is imminent. My basis for this morning’s sermon is the book by Jewish scholars Rabbi Jack Reimer and Professor Nathaniel Stampfer called, So That Your Values Live On – Ethical Wills and How to Prepare Them. The book is from our Winchendon public library, and I’ll return it there this week. There is also a lot of great information on-line about writing ethical wills. The book states, in part:

“The most precious thing we leave behind when we die is not our property; it is our legacy of values and beliefs. Yet, when we think of a will, we usually think of a legal document intended to divide up one’s property and provide financial security for one’s heirs. But there is another kind of will that has long been in use in Jewish history and its aim is to bequeath a spiritual legacy, a heritage of values. Those who write ethical wills --often parents writing to their children or grandparents to their grandchildren-- try to sum up what they have learned in life, and to express what they want most for, and from, their loved-ones. Precious spiritual documents, ethical wills are windows into the souls of those who write them. They are left behind in the belief that the wisdom acquired in a lifetime is as much a part of a family’s legacy as are all of its material possessions.” [front book flap] One family told Rabbi Riemer that the parents decided to read their ethical will to their children while the parents were still alive. “The children who heard the letter told their parents that they were surprised to find out that some of the things in it were of such great importance to their parents, and the parents replied that they were surprised to find that the children did not know how strongly they felt about these things. The experience brought them closer together and led to a much better understanding between them. Things that the parents thought they had said had never really been communicated to the children, and the children felt as if their parents had expected them to be mind-readers, instead of saying what was on their minds and in their hearts.” [Introduction, pp. xvii-xviii]

To write an ethical will, you do not have to be a scholar, you do not have to use scholarly language, and, in fact, the ethical will will be much more effective and beautiful if you write it in your own words, base it on your own life-experiences. We do not necessarily need another document that says, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again,” since we all already know that phrase. But listen to how Rabbi Herbert A. Friedman wrote that wisdom in his own personal way, in his ethical will: “Life without risk is stagnant. It is safer, but less productive. Be fearless, take chances; you may get hurt, but you may win the lottery. When you take chances, you must learn how to live with failure. Failures will inevitably occur. Get back up on the horse.” [p. 187]

There is no one correct way to write an ethical will-- But this book gives us some suggestions for topics to get us started. Each of these can be written at the top of a separate sheet of paper, then the pages can be reorganized, edited, added to, refined… Here are some beginnings of sentences to get us started:

These are some of the favorite possessions that I want you to have and these are the stories that explain what makes these things so precious to me…

These are the causes for which I would like you to feel a sense of responsibility…

Some of the passages that have meant the most to me are—[from the Bible, from poetry, from non-fiction, or newspaper clippings saved…]

These are the mistakes that I most regret having made, and that I hope you won’t repeat…

Reflecting on these questions, talking with loved-ones about them, and discerning your answers to them will help you clarify what you believe the purpose of our life on earth is. These are the words of a soldier named Eldad Pan, who was killed in Israel’s War of Independence at the age of twenty, a veteran of many battles:

“Lately I have been thinking about what the goal of life should be. At best, man’s life is short. His life may be kind or harsh, easy or difficult, but the time passes before he realizes it. An old person wants to live no less than a young person. The years of life do not satisfy the hunger for life. What then shall we do during this time? We can reach either of two conclusions. The first is that since life is so short we should enjoy it as much as possible. The second is that precisely because life is short and no one can completely enjoy it (for we die with half our desire unsatisfied), therefore we should dedicate life to a sacred and worthy goal, to sacrifice it for something which will be valued above life. At times the first feeling is stronger and at other times the second one is. Of late, however, I think that the second feeling is dominant. It seems that I am slowly coming to the conclusion that life by itself is worth little unless it serves something greater than itself.” [p. 87]

The young soldier felt compelled to write down his spiritual legacy --writing it was literally a matter of life and death-- and the wisdom in his ethical will is profound. But many people do not write an ethical will. Rabbi Riemer speculates as to why-- The main reason, he says, is that first one must come to terms with one’s own mortality, with the fact that we will not live forever, and that it is difficult to contemplate a time when we will no longer be alive. The second reason, he says, is that we live in a relativistic culture. This can make it difficult to convey, firmly and clearly, our beliefs about what is right versus what is unethical. Rabbi Riemer writes, “We do not want to cripple our heirs by imposing a burden of guilt. We do not want to impose our beliefs and values upon them by threats or by manipulating their emotions. That would be wrong. But we do want a vote, if not a veto, in their lives. We want the chance to convey to them, in words as well as by our deeds, who we are and what we stand for and what are the things that mean the most to us. To do this is the right of parents, and the duty, too.” [see pp. xxvi-xxvii]

I would add a third reason why more people do not write an ethical will-- Trying to do so means trying to make sense of contradictions and ethical conflicts. In one of the wills in this book, the man cautions his son not to trust strangers, not to tell them your secrets, nor too much personal information. Yet it is an ancient Jewish teaching and custom to welcome the stranger, because in doing so, we may entertain angels, unawares…. And in the novel, Gilead, by Marilynne Robinson, the narrator, a minister, must make some sense of the conflicting stands his father and grandfather took as regards war and non-violence. That’s one of the toughest ethical conflicts there is. The entire novel is actually an ethical will, or spiritual legacy, in the form of a letter, from John Ames, at the end of his life, to his son who is only a small child. Ames’s grandfather fought in the Civil War and urged others to do so, because slavery was so abhorrent to him. Ames’s father was an ardent pacifist. I’ll leave you to read the novel yourselves, to discover for yourselves the values the minister and father discerns he must pass on to his son [and to us!]. There are many clearly-wrought values and beliefs throughout the book, and the ending is particularly moving. But the point is that the character has to choose some things to say, and then say them-- to resolve to write down his values for his son, and then write them down-- to answer those almost ungraspable questions: What were the formative events of my life? What was the world from which I came? What were my most important lessons learned? Who were the people who influenced me the most? What possession have I cherished most, and what are the stories that explain why these things are so precious to me? Who were our ancestors? What were their values? What are the causes for which I would like the next generation to feel a sense of responsibility? What are the passages that have meant the most to me, and why? What mistakes have I made? What regrets do I have? What is my definition of true success? What is my definition of true success? What have I been most grateful for?

I am in a privileged position, personally and professionally, in that I began discerning my answers to these questions as part of my education and formation for professional ministry, and I get to convey my answers to these questions three times a month, at least. So those of you who have known me for awhile now know that I come from people who live close to the land, and that my most important guiding principle is: May we never forget where we came from. I believe we must speak up for the rights of people who have the least ability to speak up for themselves, including children, racial minorities, people who are poor, people labeled with a disability, and people with AIDS. Even more important is to empower people who are marginalized to speak up for themselves, to tell their own stories, to share their unique wisdom, to enrich our lives with their unique gifts and graces. You also know that I favor non-violent means of resolving conflicts; that I believe higher education, a free press, the democratic process, and good humor are a few of the things that save us. A couple weeks ago I talked about friendship as what I cherish perhaps most of all-- spiritual friendship, not as an ordinary thing, but as a sacred thing. I do not have deep regrets; as I look back on my life I feel roundly satisfied. And you know that I have valued exceptionally highly my relationship with my cats, and the sacred relationship between human beings and animals, as demonstrated by the Blessing of the Animals Ceremony we hold here each year in October. If our church were to write an ethical will, it would say that we value religious education for children which is life-affirming, empowering, and respectful of a diversity of religious beliefs and philosophies; that we do not believe children should be seen and not heard-- We also believe in honoring our elders and continuing to learn from them and their lives-- that we have taken great pride and care in our buildings and grounds, and we believe our building and grounds should be shared with many other people and organizations to the end of creating more learning, fellowship, character development, healthfulness, and celebration of the arts-- that we value fine music, including voice, piano, and organ-- and that we humbly acknowledge that we have more to learn and plenty of room to grow and develop, as individuals and as a liberal religious congregation. A written legacy like that would serve as a mission statement for our church-- something all members and friends of our congregation could take part in creating-- something we all could leave for future generations of our church, as guidance and inspiration…

--because, though ethical wills are usually written by parents or grandparents for their children or grandchildren, anyone can write one. If you doubt whether you have the right to write one, or whether what you have to say has any real worth, consider this ethical will by a woman named Kim, who does not have children:

I think the need to learn has always driven me. I have tried to outgrow myself constantly. My spiritual beliefs might be hard for some to understand, but I believe that we are part of something incomprehensibly bigger than ourselves, and that we are responsible to strive to understand it enough that we are able to give something back to this life we were blessed with. I have tried to treat each of you as though you have the potential to outgrow any obstacles or challenges you were given along the way, and if I have pushed you a little too hard because of that faith in you, I am sorry. The older I get, the more precious every moment is to me, and I want everyone I care about to live as large as they can. Nature is alive to me, and I trust that it is absolutely complete in all the metaphoric instructions we need to know to live in our own divinity-- God, hiding in plain sight, surrounding us every day. I wish for all of you, with your busy lives, to remember that all it takes is a good long walk in the woods several times a week to remember to listen to the smartest parts of yourself, the parts that will keep you in respectful relationship to your body, your life and the Universe… I don’t believe we are meant to understand ourselves, grow, grieve, change, or fully enjoy life without other sets of eyes that see us through love. If you can’t let other people in, really in, to influence you and love you when you’re at your worst, or same you sometimes, you are going to have a tiny little life and probably be very angry on your deathbed that you missed something and you don’t know what it is. I pray for all of you that that never happens…”

One of the greatest ethical wills in existence is the collection of Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Letters and Papers from Prison-- Bonhoeffer, a pastor and theologian, was imprisoned for resisting the Nazi regime’s persecution of the Jews, and for taking part in a plot to assassinate Hitler. On August 14, 1944, he wrote: “You will see from the letters how many people are fond of you, how they share in your life and depend on you. There is hardly anything that can make one happier than to feel that one counts for something with other people. What matters here is not numbers, but intensity… I wish for you… a really great task and responsibility and at the same time the necessary calm to be able to write something very good from time to time. For myself, my wish is that our spiritual exchanges will continue to make it possible for our thoughts to arise, be expressed and clarified, and still more important, that in each other we shall always have someone in whom we can place unlimited trust… Let us go forward into the future in patience and confidence. God bless and protect you and all of us.”