“The 5 Love Languages”
February 6, 2005
Tracy Gambill
Opening words:
Our opening words today are those of Mother Teresa, “Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next-door neighbor... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.”
Reading:
This morning’s reading is from The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman – “Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages but usually with much more effort. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. … If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing, grunting, drawing pictures, or acting out our ideas. We can communicate, but it is awkward. … If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate. In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English.”
Sermon:
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, love is in the air. Love makes the world go ‘round. Love is a many splendored thing. Love is blind…and sometimes deaf and completely oblivious to foolishness. Crazy little thing called love. Every popular song is about it, half of our books and movies obsess over it, everybody wants it. We see magazine articles devoted to it…
“10 Ways to Let Your Spouse Know You Love Her”
“20 Ways to Keep Your Man at Home”
“365 Expressions of Love”
That four letter word can mean so many things to different people…
Give Bob my love.
I love that movie!
We have one of those love-hate relationships.
Isn’t it wonderful to fall in love.
One can even be love-sick. Doesn’t that sound appealing?
We love our parents, our children, our friends, even chocolate…maybe especially chocolate.
People express and receive love in different ways.
Dr. Gary Chapman has been married over 30 years and has been a marriage counselor for over 20. His book, entitled “The Five Love Languages”, is based on what he has found with the many couples he has counseled over time. Though it is based on married couples, the principles covered can be applied to any loving relationship, whether with a friend, a parent, a child, a life partner…anyone with whom we want to share our love.
Dr. Chapman has uncovered basically 5 emotional love languages, or 5 ways people speak and understand love. These are:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
We feel most comfortable with our primary love language, though we may learn a second language and become bilingual. We develop our primary love language in our childhood when most of our emotional patterns develop. When we feel loved as children, we develop our love language based on our own psychological makeup and the way our family expressed love to us. If we don’t feel loved as children, we develop a distorted love language. This doesn’t mean that we can never become good communicators of love but we will have to work at it much harder than those with more positive role models.
Before we delve into the different love languages, let’s understand why we would want to know about them. The need to feel love is a basic human emotional need. Inside each of us is an emotional tank just waiting to be filled with love. When it’s full we feel secure and the world looks bright. When it’s empty we feel unloved and lonely.
I have to interrupt myself for just a moment and say that I’m not talking about when we were in high school and we thought we HAD to have a boyfriend/girlfriend to BE somebody. I’m talking about a mature intimate connection with someone we care about. Without that human closeness, we may feel empty.]
The focus today is how do we meet each other’s emotional need to feel loved. Life’s deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments but in relationships. Learning the right love language is key to helping another person feel loved.
So, what do these love languages mean?
1. Words of Affirmation
These are kind, positive, up-lifting words. Encouraging words. Words that build up.
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for 2 months on a good compliment.”
Words of appreciation or compliments are powerful communicators of love…
You look sharp in that suit.
I really appreciate your washing the dishes tonight.
I want you to know that I don’t take you for granted.
Encouraging words may give your loved one the courage to take the first steps to achieving their goals. Of course, this doesn’t mean putting pressure on our loved one to do something that they don’t want to do, but encouragement to develop an interest that they already have. This means we must first learn what is important to them. With our encouraging words we say, “I know. I care. I’m with you. How can I help?” We show that we believe in that person and in their abilities.
The way we speak is important. Sometimes our words say one thing and our tone says another.
“I love you” is very different than “I love you?”
Our message is usually based on the tone of our voice, not on the actual words we use.
“I would be delighted to wash the dishes tonight” said in a snarling tone will not be received as an expression of love.
Proverbs 18:21 says, “ The tongue has the power of life and death.”
Compliments, words of encouragement, and words of appreciation all affirm self-worth of our partner. They create intimacy, heal wounds, and empower our partner.
2. Quality Time
Togetherness. We focus on our loved one. They have our undivided attention. We give them our time and we do things together. This doesn’t mean we sit on the couch and watch TV. The TV then has our attention, not our partner. This is a time to sit, look at each other and talk. Maybe take a walk together. Go out to eat and talk with one another.
Have you ever been in a restaurant and noticed a couple in love? While one is talking, what’s the other one doing? Smiling, listening, making eye contact. It’s as if they don’t care if their meal ever comes!
Then there’s the couple who’ve been together a while. They look like they couldn’t get anyone else to eat with them. They may sit and look at everyone else but each other. Their conversation may consist of “How’s your meal?” “Good. How’s yours?” “Okay”. They may both be speaking English, but they’re not speaking the same love language.
Some people think they’re spending time together when they’re only living in close proximity – in the same house at the same time, but not together. Forgive me for being stereotypical, but the husband watching sports on TV while he “talks” to his wife is not giving her quality time. This doesn’t mean we need to spend our time gazing into each other’s eye…it means we’re doing something together and we’re giving our full attention to the other person. On an emotional level it says we care about each other and we enjoy being with each other. Here is an example of what Buddhists would call mindful awareness: a father and his 2-year-old sit on the floor and roll a ball back and forth. As long as dad is focused on his child at that moment, he is fully present and spending quality time with him or her. If dad were talking on the phone while rolling the ball, his attention is not fully on the child. Giving 20 minutes of undivided attention is giving 20 minutes of our lives. We’ll never have those minutes again!
With quality time comes quality conversation. Conversing to reveal oneself is a special intimacy. We need to listen to understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Simply listen. Most of us have little training in listening even though we have 2 ears and one mouth. We sometimes analyze problems and create solutions, when perhaps the other person just wants us to listen. Some tips that may seem very basic:
make eye contact, the eyes are the windows to the soul;
don’t do something else while listening;
listen for feelings;
watch body language, it says a lot
resist interrupting
Quality time also means quality activities. These are things which interest one or both partners, the emphasis being not on what we’re doing, but why we’re doing it. This could be gardening, going antiquing or to flea markets, listening to music, picnicking, walking, whatever…The activity should have 3 ingredients – at least one of the couple wants to do it, the other one is willing to do it, and both know why they’re doing it – to express their love by being together.
I love to dance. My husband, Scott, on the other hand doesn’t exactly care for dancing. In the first year we were together, I think he danced more than in the entire 26 years prior. Not because he suddenly found a love of dancing but because he loved me and wanted to spend time with me. He was willing to step out of his comfort zone to do something with me that I love. And I love him for that.
Spending quality time together through sharing, listening, and doing activities says we truly care for and enjoy each other. The activities will be the memories of love in years to come.
3. Receiving Gifts
Almost everything ever written about love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. Dr. Chapman has studied many cultures, including Mayans, Aztecs, the tribal peoples of Melanesia and Polynesia, and Eskimos. When he looked at the cultural patterns surrounding love and marriage, gift giving was part of the love-marriage process. We must think of the person first to give them a gift. The gift is a visual symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter if it costs money or not – it can be bought, found, or made. It can even be a gift of oneself, our presence.
I’ve had my share of dandelions carefully picked for me to enjoy. There are many little pieces of paper around my house that simply say ‘I love you Mommy’. I have a collection of pictures, hand drawn and colored just for me. These are precious gifts.
L.O. Baird said,
“May no gift be too small to give, nor too simple to receive,
which is wrapped in thoughtfulness and tied with love.”
Receiving gifts is one of the easiest love languages to learn. Gifts are symbols of our love. They demonstrate that we care and they represent the value of the relationship.
4. Acts of Service
This is simply doing what our loved one would like us to do.
Mother Teresa said, “Love cannot remain by itself – it has no meaning. Love has to be put into action and that action is service. Whatever form we are, able or disabled, rich or poor, it is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing; a lifelong sharing of love with others.”
We can please by serving in many ways…
Cook a meal
Vacuum
Clean those white spots off the bathroom mirror
Change the baby’s diaper
Walk the dog
Take out the garbage
Acts of service require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. Obviously, one should never be forced to do something, love is always freely given – it can’t be demanded.
A friend of mine – let’s call her Tracy, was attending a local committee meeting one evening. When she returned home, her husband not only had the children tucked snug in their beds, they had been bathed, the dishes were done and the floor was swept. Wow, her husband had racked up some major points with her and her love tank was feeling pretty full…and she didn’t even have to ask!
Requests for acts of service are ok though, as long as they are requests and not demands. Acts of service should never be coerced but be freely given and received.
5. Physical Touch
All societies have some form of physical touch as a social greeting – a handshake is common in the US, while in Europe it may be a hug or kiss. Of course there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch, our bodies are not made for abuse! Whether it’s holding hands, kissing, hugging, a back rub, or a loving touch on the shoulder, physical touch is a powerful expression of love. Some of us seem to be naturally more “touchy feely” than others, but humans in general tend to be sensual beings. Maybe we sit closer together on the couch when we watch TV. Maybe we hug or give a quick kiss when we leave the house in the morning. From the smallest touch on the arm to the most passionate kiss, physical touch is a powerful love language. And there’s nothing better than a big bear hug from little arms, it’s full of innocence, energy and pure love.
Words of Affirmation–Quality Time–Receiving Gifts–Acts of Service–Physical Touch
If we express our love in a way that our partner doesn’t understand, s/he won’t realize we’ve expressed our love at all. Perhaps your husband needs to hear encouraging words, but you feel cooking a nice dinner will cheer him up. When he still feels down, you’re puzzled. Maybe your wife craves time with you – time away from the kids and the TV. The flowers you gave her are nice, but it just isn’t what she needs or wants.
What’s your primary love language? What makes you feel most loved by your partner? What do you want above all else? There are different ways to determine it if you’re not sure. You can…
-Ask yourself what does your partner do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you?
if it really hurts when s/he doesn’t help around the house – Acts of Service
if it bothers you that s/he seldom spends quality time with you – that’s your love language
-Look back over the relationship and ask yourself what have you most often requested of your partner? That’s probably in line with your primary love language - it’s what would make you feel most loved. It may have been interpreted by your partner as nagging all this time!
-You can also look at how you regularly express love. This way isn’t always foolproof though because you may be expressing it in the way you learned from your role models, which may not be your primary love language.
If two languages seem equal to you, you may be bilingual and that’s ok.
If you don’t have a partner right now, you could ask yourself what would be an ideal partner for you?
There are two kinds of people who may have trouble figuring out their language. The person whose love tank has been empty for so long that they don’t remember what makes them feel loved. And the person whose love tank has been full for a long time – maybe their partner has expressed love in many ways, and they’re not sure which makes them feel most loved. This isn’t necessarily a bad problem to have!
Let’s assume you know your primary love language as well as your partner’s. What if your partner’s love language doesn’t come natural for you? SO!? Comfort is not the issue here. Scott certainly was not comfortable out on the dance floor. He isn’t to this day, but he is affirming his love for me each time he struts his stuff and does that Saturday Night Fever/John Travolta move. I’m kidding about the move, but I hear him loud and clear when he dances with me. He’s telling me he loves me.
True, long-lasting love is a choice. As a matter of fact, when the action doesn’t come naturally to us, it’s an even greater expression of love. We want to meet our partner’s emotional needs. When our partner’s love tank is filled, chances are s/he will reciprocate and speak our love language, then our love tank is filled. Choosing to love in our partner’s language has many benefits. It helps heal past wounds, and it provides a sense of security, self-worth, and significance to both the giver and the receiver.
To this point we’ve focused on love languages between adults. They hold true for children as well. Until we discover our children’s primary love language, it’s a good idea to speak all 5 regularly. With regards to…
1. Words of Affirmation: praise our children; catch them doing things right and accent the positive. A minimum of 2 compliments a day is a good goal.
2. Quality Time: find out their interests and learn as much about them as possible
I have a friend named John whose 12-year-old daughter loves tennis. John prefers hockey. John wanted to show his daughter he cared about her and her interests, so he now knows all there is to know about tennis. He takes her to her tennis lessons, watches all her matches, and even plays with her.
· Being totally present and giving them our undivided attention is important – it’s that mindful awareness again
· Making time each day to give our children at least a few minutes of quality time…it’s a priority!
· Receiving Gifts: if overdone, this becomes meaningless and teaches a false set of values. Occasional gifts can help meet a child’s need for love, especially when accompanied by “I love you, so I got a special gift for you.”
· Acts of Service: we constantly perform acts of service for our children, but maybe next time we finish a certain task, we tell them it means we love them.
· Physical Touch: hugging, kissing, and appropriate touching is very important for our children’s love tank. As they get older, of course, we need to be sensitive, but maintaining a regular habit of touching speaks loudly about our love for them.
It’s important for us to focus on our children’s primary love language and speak it often. But we don’t want to neglect the other 4 – they’ll be even more meaningful then.
Dr. Chapman does caution us in his book. He says, “WARNING: Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full.” I encourage you to learn your love language if you don’t already know it…and let those who are closest to your heart know it. Also learn to speak their language. Especially since Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and love is in the air. Let it be and Amen.”
Benediction:
“In closing today I’d like to share some quotes from children on what love is…
When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget, and it's good for them to get reminded.”